Archives for category: Hmm. Life.

The year 2013 hasn’t been the most kind for me. In the past two months, I’ve experience three deaths in my life. Now, how I know each person varies and to be honest, I haven’t talked to all of them in quite some time. The three that I had lost, each of them seem to represent to me the way in which death works.

One of my friends, she had been diagnosed with cancer years ago. She was given a short span of life, a death sentence that put a finite amount of time in which she could do only so much. What she did with that time was nothing short of miraculous, but there was always an end in sight. The thing though, she was expecting an ending. To think, for us to go through life with always this harbinger of futility breathing on your shoulder, makesĀ  you wonder how much we truly take what we have been given for granted. When she passed, it was never something sad that we all experienced. Not to say that I’ve been desensitized to this whole occurrence, but I knew what was coming. Time played a fickle role in this. She extended her short death sentence to many years, knowing full well that this was to be “it”. Yeah, I miss her. Every day. But I don’t think that she ever wanted me to see the pain. It wasn’t to define her, for whatever she were to do, she set her own path. Death comes swiftly, but to expect it. That is something we should never have to accept. But then…

When my uncle passed away, news spread fast. Dealing with the age of the internet, emails were abound and I first learned of the news from all places, Facebook. But, his death didn’t seem real. He was a young man, barely 50. With life expectancies closer to the mid 80’s, it seems ridiculous for a man to lose his life just half way through living it. When a stroke occurs, it’s not something that comes expectantly. Though there might have been signs, no one expects something so serious to happen so suddenly. When the news broke, everything feel a part. It’s ridiculous to see those in his family step up to task of all that is expected. No one deserves to be put in this position, especially at such a young age. But when death happens, it comes swiftly. But when you’re not expecting it, how can anyone step into these roles and continue. But what if…

Even though we haven’t talked since high school, I felt she was still a part of my life in some way. Is it awkward to admit that you Facebook stalked her? Well, I mean I did. But who doesn’t? When I learned of her death days after, it utterly shocked me. When I see the pictures, all I see is happiness. I never knew what was underneath. How could I? I didn’t talk to her in 7 years, it’s not like she was the most important thing in my life. But she was a part of my life. To take a life, even yours, it seems so extreme that you question existence yourself. Depression is something that is just too commonly over-looked in the Asian American community. The pressures of multiple stereotypes feeding on our minds, slowly deteriorating any conscious thought process makes it so easy to realize why one can just up and end all of what has been given. It’s not so surprising that suicide becomes such a hot topic, especially when it’s so easily ignored in our community. To assume that it “never happens to us” is so faulty. It does. It may not be so prevalent compared to others, but these things occur. When you accept your own death, these decisions are acted upon swiftly. But to just give in and take your own life… it shatters the perception of life.

I’ve seen in this short time frame three different perceptions of death and how it affects those who it occupies. Death is short. Death is sweet. Death has no remorse. Death will linger in many forms. Cancer, health, depression; there’s so many varying factors that lead to this one consequence. To see if occur in such sequential order with each story taking different turns but ending the same, it truly does make you question life. I’m not here to discredit any god/religion/faith etc., but I will honestly feel for those that I have lost. It’s selfish though, because this wasn’t a person or people that I just lost, but others have as well. Life is a shared experience, and every interaction, little or big, seem to effect us in some way. I think this is to the utmost important when life is held accountable. That though you may live for yourself, your actions are felt by those around you. It may be an old friend, a mentor, or someone you hardly talked to, but everything they’ve done for me and others I will remember. All I can say and all I can give, is the shortest thing I will write. It means so little in the grand scheme of what we perceive as life, but it is to the utmost necessity that these words hold their true meaning. Truly this is what makes us feel, and why we do the things we do. All I can say for these people.

Thank you.


The death of a friend is never easy. There are so many ranges of friends that I feel guilty that I am unable to talk to all of them. Some people we’ve shared a short memory, others have come and gone. I know that no matter what the circumstances, some times things just don’t go our way. When we lose some one, it’s never an easy feeling. Your heart seems to slow… your breaths get a little heavier. Auras seem to diminish as there is some feeling of mourning abound. The thing is though, you have these friends because you shared so many joyous occasions with them. When you seek out these relationships, you find a course or reason to keep them in some form. Yeah, I can go down the list of my many Facebook friends and can identify a small percentage that I actually keep in contact with. It’s funny because time moves quickly, you just assume these people will always be there. Facebook friends seem to be a part of a system of diminished returns. You add and add, but all you’re doing is subtracting from the actual relationship you share now. But why do we seek these people? Those memories. That faint remembrance of a time in which we shared together. Laughed together. We may have grabbed a coffee. I know sure as hell I flirted with you a lot. That’s just me. We may have traveled before and split the gas cost. (I may have covered it… something about being generous and such). We had a nice, home cooked (well technically cooked in a home) meal. I didn’t even think you would explode. We’re drawn to these people because of what we’ve had and what we shared. It’s not easy to think that those memories may be gone, all in the same vein because they are not. Leave now, but I know everything we’ve shared together and the moments we’ve had, they’ll always be there. Thank you.

In the last 6 months I recently broke up with my long term girlfriend and loss my long term job. I wouldn’t say that I’ve hit rock bottom, but the ground hurts quite a bit. I’ll say this, it sucks. Life hasn’t been easy. I’m not looking for sympathy points or karma, and to be honest, I haven’t thought of anything extreme like killing myself. I just know that this sucks. I’m not dead broke nor am I not well off. I still have great family and awesome friends, it’s just what I loss is what I’m trying to move on with.

When working with very little, there is so much you can do with this time. I’ve definitely used this opportunity to help see what the world is like outside of my zone and how I can apply it to my own situation. My comfort level has been, well, comfortable. I see myself as someone who had been stagnant with life and the way I lived. My growth stopped.

It’s so easy to just end the game of life when you feel like there is nothing to win. But I’ll say that I’ve grown from my situation. There’s so much I can do to change who I am and what I want to be, but pressing continue is the only way to achieve this. I’ve recently started up this magical thing called “exercise” and “eating better”. I’ve slowly kept a photo log and will post it when I feel ready. I feel like changing my life is the first step to getting back on track and completing this level that seemed to have defeat me. I guess I’ll just end up having a few more broken controllers along the way.

TL;DR: Started to exercise.

So last week I had an interview with this really amazing Non-Profit Organization. They are located right on the outskirts of the Pocket area and serve the greater and not so well to do Asian American community for Sacramento. What I love about this organization is the establishment has grown up with me serving somewhat as the initial community to be helped. My first experience here was as a youth growing up and attending this area with a group of my friends. My vaguest memory was of Pumpkin Carving and having our work of art donated to the local nursing home only a few blocks away. This has been almost a decade.

For a while now, I have always looked at this place from the outside. Driving by the community center seemed like a pipe dream to me as I started attending college and growing into the person I wanted to be. I call it a dream more so in the sense that I never knew what I could be with my life but I knew that I needed to start with my roots. I think it’s important to remember where you come from and how you can always give back to what has given you so much growing up. I won’t lie, I was one of those spoiled, entitled kids who was sheltered from most of life and only expected hand outs in the form of life expectations. Regulating myself and what I truly believe in makes me truly appreciate what I never realized what had been in front of me and offered to me my whole life. It isn’t my job to just assume that my social status is entitling me to some lifestyle that I could never achieve. I need to remember for myself that why I exist is to help others. I wouldn’t go so far to say that I am a selfless person, but i do care to make the lives of other’s easier. No lie, I’m a nice guy.

It’s always so funny, the notion of slowing down your life. I think it falls back into my previous ideas of comfortability and understanding where you… well… stand. Sometimes people feel as though life can be taken in passing. I’m definitely in that category myself, not forcing life upon anyone but taking it one step at a time. It is not to my own doing how much and how far we go with our lives, but understanding that we truly set the tone for where we want to go. That’s why I can’t stop what I’m doing. Life doesn’t stop. You can take life in passing, yes. But also understanding that you need to truly be a part of it will only help you get to wherever you need to go. Now, I know I’m only speaking in generalities, but it’s safe to assume that when people truly live life, wherever it may take them, they do so within their own accord. Life does play silly hands and we sometimes have to fold to them, but when we know when to play, we go all in. Life can’t possibly stop for whatever reason, nor can I.

Lately in my life, I’ve been hearing so much about living in the moment. The idea comes from this superficial existence in which we believe that the only time is now and that life will keep moving, with or without you. Nothing hits you so hard as to think that this idea doesn’t hold some weight, especially when you recently get out of two long term relationships. I’m not an advocate of stupidity, far from it. I do truly believe though that to live life to the fullest, their must be some interest in your part to live it. The motions we go through in life are largely due in part to how much we want to actually move. If the next stage in my life deems for me to take a leap of faith, then I shouldn’t be scared to live in the moment, even if the consequences may not be what I am seeking. I guess the best part about only living once is that you don’t live twice.


TL;DR: Rambling about making the most out of life.

Life doesn’t always seem so easy when you’re going through multiple situations that seem to throw a wrench in your plans. I always saw life as somewhat casual. My life for the most part had been fairly easy going. The term comfortable comes to mind when you think of how some may have been living their own life. The idea of comfortability can really be defined in binary terms. Either you’re comfortable and happy to be where you are (a level of comfortability that seems to feed into a constant state of living without having to worry) or being comfortable and being stuck where you are (the concept that seems to assume that the idea of comfortableness itself is uncomforting). When you want to break out and do something to end that staticness that is life, people tend to err towards being different. I think the only thing that is important is that the choices we make, crazy or not, will always implicate what we define our comfortability level. Either breaking our mold or reaffirming it.